Intro to Polyamory

Sometime in the middle of 2010, I decided to identify as polyamorous.

Polyamory being: the concept of being in romantic relationships with more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

I’d had a conversation about it, about how freeing a concept it is. One author put it as such: “dissatisfaction with limitations of serial monogamy, i.e. exchanging one partner for another in the hope of a better outcome". And I thought, YES!! That’s what I’d been doing all my life, but especially for the last five years, in the ol’ dating game, and I was COMPLETELY dissatisfied with that. You date one person, spend time getting to know him, then decide you are not right for each other. Then you date another person. Lather, rinse, repeat. Meanwhile, you’re getting older, wasting time, waiting for ONE person to have ALL the items on your wish list. Or maybe he has MOST, or SOME, but not ALL, so you find yourself settling, because, well, this is the best I can do. It can be futile, and frustrating as hell. At least, I found it so.

And I thought, with polyamory, I don’t have to wait for ONE boyfriend, one “Mr. Right”, to come along—I can have MULTIPLE boyfriends! I can have companions to go do vintage things with, to do art things with, to go hiking and biking with, to read quietly on the couch with, to cook with, to go out to dinner with, to drink wine with, to eat sushi with...for as many varied interests as I have, and I do have a lot, I could have men who shared them with me, and they didn’t all have to be the same person. And not just activities, but conversations, emotions, values, and yes, physical relationships. I could love all of the different things about each of them and not be lacking anything. This is IT, I thought!!

Since then, I’ve entered into a polyamorous relationship with one man. And it is so not what I thought it was going to be like. It’s so much BETTER. Not only has it been the most freeing relationship I’ve ever encountered, it’s also been the deepest, most satisfying one I’ve ever experienced as well. The two of us give each other room to be who we are, not bending the other into fitting molds of who we want them to be. We share varied interests, have many things in common, but not everything. There is so much support, warmth and endless love, all the good reasons to HAVE relationships. And we give each other the respect and the freedom to love others, as well, without possession: loving with an open hand.

One unexpected benefit that has helped me develop as an individual is the honesty and the communication between the two of us. I have NEVER been so open with my feelings before, nor had anyone be so open with his feelings with me. There is complete safety and trust to say how we feel; the beautiful, the ugly, the sacred and the profane, and everything in between. We MUST be so open. In poly, you have to reveal how you feel and what you want, or else it’ll crumble. The other person also has to take that into account and try to understand your feelings and reassure you as best he can, or it’ll crumble. Of course, it works both ways. We talk, we accommodate (in one way or another, as best we can), and we compromise. We HAVE to lay it all on the line, or else resentments build and fester, and that’ll kill a relationship quicker than you can say, ‘breakup’. We have to be introspective and come to know how we feel and we do our best to alleviate the negative feelings that pop up (and they do pop up from time to time, as we both were raised in a monogamous culture, and even we who no longer choose that option sometimes find the paradigm hard to break) by reassuring each other that the love is always there and always strong, even if we’re spending time with someone else. Most days are oh-so-sweet. Some days we fly through and some we limp through, but we both agree that it’s all 100% worth it, because it has more depth, more substance, more freedom and more joy than anything we’ve ever known previously.

Another thing I love is the sense of family that is possible in poly. There truly can be a deep bond like no other. I am the girl who wants to like and have close friendships with whomever he chooses to be involved with, and I always would prefer him to be friends with whomever I choose to be involved with. I love the family-ness of it and I want to be one big, happy family who loves each other. This feels so right and natural to me, emotionally. And it is a HUGE benefit of poly, in my eyes. Such deep sharing--of emotions, of amazing experiences, of communication...so many ways to love and lift up, and be loved and lifted up.

And the funny part is, the whole reason I wanted this in the first place? Hasn’t occurred yet. I don’t HAVE multiple boyfriends. Haven’t met anyone else I want to have a close relationship with yet. I have one incredible partner and he is enough for me. I acknowledge that that could change in the future, I am open to the possibility, and he is aware of this. We’re ready to talk about all of it, if and when it happens, though. We are adults who want fulfilling lives for each other and for ourselves, and this is why we’re poly--we both acknowledge that we want to broaden our human experiences by loving many in this lifetime.

"The more you love, the more you can love -- and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just." ~Robert Heinlein