The Desire to Receive, The Desire to Impart

Recently, in a conversation with someone, I brought up something I heard about a very long time ago: the Desire to Receive and the Desire to Impart.  It’s a part of the Kabbalah, the ancient mystical writings of the Jewish faith.  In the simplest of terms: the former meaning you want to hear what someone has to say and the latter meaning you want to say something.  In order to have meaningful communication, and build upon whatever relationship is present, both desires must be present in both of the people having the conversation (for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to limit this to two people, although it can definitely refer to more than two). 

We’ve all had talks where one person does all the talking and the other can’t get a word in except when the talker takes a breath or a bite of sandwich.  And we’ve all had talks where we can’t get the other person to say “boo”, let alone reveal how they really feel, and the conversation fades away.   In both cases, the conversation is one-sided and probably not very satisfying.  There is no “meeting” of minds, hearts or souls, and no connection is made or deepened.   Hearts leave the table all the emptier.   Often, you (or the other person) just wish you could go back in time and say all the things you thought of after it ended.  Sometimes you (or the other person) wish you could take back some things you said.   

Then there are talks where everything is just right and you go away effervescent.  You say everything that was on your mind, and the other listens.  Then they say all that they wanted to say and you listen.  And you get each other—“meeting” happens.  And in this moment of clear communication and open heartedness, connection is made.  You both feel understood and that you understand.  And whether it’s camaraderie, good intentions, professional relations or romance, feelings between you...deepen.   

In my past, I would hold back my true thoughts and feelings, either for fear of being judged for being myself, or because I was terrified that people would get angry at me for the things I said.  I closed everything up inside myself and kept everything under lock and key, thinking I was safe.  I refused to be vulnerable, and instead, I was silent.  But actually, I was inside the building WITH a pressurized valve that could blow at any moment.   What helped me get past this was A) talking to people who DIDN’T judge or get angry with me when I said what was on my mind, and B) getting old enough to stop caring about the fear (already!) and just saying it anyway.   Seriously, what’s the WORST they can do?   They’re not going to kill me, they’re not likely to hit me, they might yell at me, but then, they might just walk away, annoyed.  I can deal with that.  And so I began to open up.  Tactfully, so that people would hear the spirit of what I said and not get offended by the letter of it.  And also, I really like choosing my words carefully, to best mirror what’s going on inside—I’m a wordsmith.  There have been times when I’ve let my emotions run wild all over the house, and those have NOT been good “meetings”.  What really works best for me is if I process strong emotions through writing first, and then bring it to the person I need to talk to, once I’ve felt my way through it and the feelings aren’t raw.   

In social situations, instead pulling my old routine of clamming up and listening to everyone else chat it up, I’ve learned to pull out my old friend’s advice about doing a thing he called “party theory”: everyone, he reasoned, enjoys talking about themselves most of all, so ask people questions about themselves.   If they seem like kindred spirits, the Desire to Receive will be genuine and you’ll want to hear about them.   Then, after they reveal something about themselves, throw in something about yourself, and see how well they listen.   If they want to hear about you, and ask you questions back, then there’s space created for the Desire to Impart to kick in.   The longer you talk, the more you get to know each other, the easier and more fun the conversation becomes.   And if you find that neither the Desire to Receive or Impart is there, move on.  Either save the talking for another time when it is there, or find someone else who will give-and-take with you.  And being funny never hurts.  Make ‘em laugh, and they’re with you. 

Regardless of our past experiences with opening up to others, talking doesn’t have to be a painful experience. It’s a process, and it takes time, but it’s do-able, should we choose to do it.  There are ways we can be honest and act with the integrity we have in us, letting our souls fly right through our words into our stories and take others’ stories into our flesh.