Circularities

So many little synchronicities coming around...

A dear friend of mine referring me to Pema Chodron’s work.  She talks about many things, but one thing that resonated with me was about storylines.  You play out your storyline, or old patterned behavior, especially in times of stress and insecurity, because your ego goes back to familiar places under stress, even when they’re survival mechanisms set up by it long ago, and even if you’re no longer in the same scenarios that required those survival mechanisms.  It’s a knee-jerk, trigger reaction.  And very human.      

My body has been feeling stiff and tired lately, and I need to dropkick about 30 pounds of winter weight.  On a whim, I started doing yoga one morning, looking up poses other than Downward Dog, the Cat and the Child, which was all I remembered from my yoga classes with Torie years ago.   I learned Dolphin and Dolphin Plank (YOU try to make a dolphin walk the plank!), and brought them into the repertoire.  And damn, it felt FUCKING AMAZING during, to stretch those muscles out, and afterwards, to have that energy coursing through me.  I felt strong.  I felt capable.  I felt fan-fucking-tastic! 

This morning, I went for a walk down the bike path near my house for the first time—an exploration!  An expedition! Sprayed sunscreen on, left at 7:30 before it got too hot.   Once I entered, I found a sacred grove of trees (my inner dryad was dancing!).  Trees lining either side of the path, sheltering from the sun and the noise.  It was a dark, cozy little world, separated by space and time.  You lose track of time.  It was a walking meditation.  I happened to be morning texting the people I love during it, and it brought them into the meditation.  The occasional bike rider passed by me, but not without wishing me an amiable good morning, which I happily returned.  I was open to everything.  I even tried a hint of running to see if I could (my knees and ankles being problem children for me).  I was going to wait until my legs got stronger from walking, but a “CAW! CAW! CAW!” inspired me to be bold and try it.   And I did, and my knees and ankles held up, felt strong.  So I might be doing my own return to running at some point.  Not marathons, just on quiet, secluded roads. 

For me, exercise is VITAL!!   It has taken me YEARS to realize and then admit it.  Uncle!   I ADMIT it, dammit!   My Taurus complacency gets in my way.   The truth is, exercise—movement—makes me feel better, stronger, more powerful in my own body, more flexible, more adaptable.  And this translates mentally as happier, more confident, and more optimistic. 

And when I am all of these things, it is EASIER for me to let go of my old storylines (which grab on especially tight when hormones kick in...gah!).  It is easier for me to understand that, this thing that person said or did?  It’s not personal, against me.  I just happened to be there when they were hungry/tired/suffering through a bad back/having a bad day/worried about x, y and/or z/depressed about x, y and/or z.  And even it WAS personal, it’s not personal.  It truly had nothing to do with me.  I am merely a symptom of their worldview, proving them right, once again.  And so I try not to internalize it.  I nod and move on, hoping they feel relief from whatever they’re going through.  If they’re close to me, I talk to them about it—if they’re strangers, I send these things along after them as they go by.  And if I did do something to offend or hurt them, then I apologize from my heart and put it down.  No need to carry it with me or berate myself.  No guilt necessary.  Just mean what I say and say what I mean and make things right.  

I am happier knowing myself and introspecting, because I make myself a better Gina when I do.  I don’t feel as insecure when I let myself be me, the whole entirety of me, the spectacle and the ridiculousness of me, all at the same time.  I laugh at the mistakes I make instead of chastising myself, and then I make it right.  It’s taken me so many years of introspecting to get here.  And I’m not done yet.  Oh, so far from being done.   I still backslide, but it happens less and less, as I become more aware of the conditions causing it. 

Being physical strengthens my body, but it also strengthens my mind.  Every little thing we can do to become whole individuals—whole in our own selves, not dependent on any external factors for our happiness—adds up.  Each one is significant.  And it’s different for everyone.  What works for you may not work for me.  Then again, it may.   So go on that walk or run, or meditate, or do that yoga, or dance or play basketball...

Whatever it is, it’s GOOD for you!