Taking My Power Back

So there’s been a long-standing issue going on in my psyche that I believe has come to a head.  It’s a very, very old pattern, and one that I’m very, very tired of dealing with, at nearly 46 years old. 

When I think about the possibility of violence towards me from strange men whom I don’t know, because I’m a woman, I feel very angry towards them and very afraid.  And also angry because I’m afraid, and I don’t want to be.  Who does?  Everyone wants to run around, care-free, singing and dancing.  No one wants to walk down the street looking over their shoulder, or being apprehensive about the motives of some person approaching you, all the time.  It’s a continual worry.  It never stops.  The world can be a very dangerous place for women, yes.  But every so often I focus on it, painfully, and I’d really love that to stop.  I get so, so angry.  Because it makes me feel powerless.  And I HATE feeling powerless. 

When I was young, my dad would constantly point out newspaper articles and new stories where women were the victims of crimes.  “See?  This is why you always lock your doors.  Lock your car when you’re in it, lock the doors of the house.  Don’t go to bad neighborhoods, don’t wear clothes that will attract attention, don’t hang with the wrong crowd and get drunk or high.  Things can happen when you’re out of control.  This bad thing could happen to you.”  Now I know he had to warn us of these things: that was his job.  This shit IS out there and we DID have to be aware of it.  But I think he overdid it.  He always talked about boys and men as if they were the enemy, not to be trusted.  It was drilled into us.  And so I began to not trust and fear men I didn’t know.  And he never gave me any tools as a solution to that problem.  He never taught me how to fight to take care of myself.   It was the ’70s, and that wasn’t common, teaching girls how to fight, but he could have.  Why would you point out a potential threat and not give someone tools to protect themselves against that threat?  That just makes a person feel extremely vulnerable.   

And it did.  And the more TV and movies I watched over the years, it was common to see women attacked, kidnapped, raped, beaten up.  It was so common, it was NORMAL.  And when I went out in the world, I saw it as a potentially dangerous place for me.  Which pissed me off.  But not enough to do anything about it.  I knew about self-defense classes—I’d seen characters on TV take them, but I didn’t know anyplace in life that gave them.  You see swim and CPR classes everywhere, but self-defense?  I didn’t research it.  I never took any.  Always wanted to, but didn’t.  Why? 

Because nothing has ever happened to me.  Not really.  A couple of unnerving situations when I was young, but only verbal and gestural.  No touching.  But still creepy as fuck.  And I never told anyone—one happened when I was 17 or 18, and I never told my parents.  I felt ashamed and dirty, and I didn’t do a damn thing wrong—those assholes did.  But I didn’t feel like I could stop it.  Why?  Because I was female.  I thought I was too vulnerable to stand up to them.  I'd never been in a fight.  And I didn’t know how to say NO--being raised in Catholic household, taught to obey and never question or talk back, I never learned to say NO or stand up for myself as a child.  But as I got into my 20’s, I got angry.  I got feminism.  And I vowed that I would never let anything happen to me.  I vowed not to let this fear rob me of experiences that I wanted to have, and I went places by myself at night, places that many women would not go.  I’ve gotten cat-called and had strange men come up to me since then and try to intimidate me.  I gave as good as I got, put on my bitch face, yelled back…and they left me alone.  I would go into the city in San Francisco and put on my “city face”.  I walked tall with my head held high.  And I was fine. 

Since those days, I’ve been fine.  Now no one cat-calls me or fucks with me.  I keep the confident air about me and I stride forward.  I make direct eye contact.  I speak in a deeper voice, a bolder voice.  I project strength in my eyes, my movements, my gestures, my speaking.  Is that why I’m left alone, or am I really lucky?   I don’t know.  Every so often, though, I get angry at the idea of having to do that, of it being necessary to put on this armor, instead of being able to go about with a smile on my goofy little face, like I do when I’m comfortable and feel safe in my environment.  But this is the world we live in, so it must be done. 

The tipping point came when I read a quote in a Lenny newsletter, by Gavin De Becker, who predicts violent behavior for a living.  He said these eloquent words: “My answer to young women would be: Don’t buy the idea that you can’t understand violence. Learn about violence. Don’t be the only animal in nature that doesn’t. You think there’s a female kitten that isn’t learning about violence, or a female bird that isn’t learning about predation and isn’t focused on that subject? Why would you be the only creature in nature that is not endowed with a nuclear defense system?”

And a light went on in mind…oh my god, YES!!!   I look at my female cats, and they fight their brother when he antagonizes them. I look at the females of any species and they will KILL if you fuck with them.  WHY are we the only ones in nature who believe we are less-than, and cannot fight?  Because we’ve been socialized to believe that.  We do not know our own might. 

I bought Gavin’s book “The Gift of Fear, And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence” and his associate, Ellen Snortland’s book “Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls”, for which Gavin De Becker wrote the forward.  These books are transformative!!   Ellen Snortland debunks the myths that we have all fallen for since our youngest days, that men are invulnerable to pain and we are so much weaker than they are that there’s nothing we can do but fold like a cheap suit if they attack us.  Bullshit.  It’s a myth that’s not fucking true.  She talks in depth about self-defense techniques, trusting our intuition, being firm about our boundaries, and other great shit.  She lists case after case where women fought back and men were so surprised, or so injured, that they didn’t continue, but ran away.  They don’t expect it—it’s the element of surprise.  And it’s an “aha!” moment: it’s like, REALLY??  I can DO THAT??   YES!!  Yes, I can.  We ALL can.   Self-defense classes should be taught in schools, in colleges (Take Back The Night with self-defense, people!), in all areas.  And if we don’t hear about them readily, we need to seek them the fuck out.   I am enrolling in one for this August.  And it feels fucking AMAZING, just the THOUGHT of doing it!!   The idea of me being able to protect my own self, of me being a wolf that snarls and bites if someone I don’t trust gets too close…is absolutely freeing!!   If it becomes common knowledge that women will fight if attacked, then maybe they’ll think twice before doing it.  Maybe violence against women will begin to recede, over time.   It won’t entirely go away because there will always be assholes, but even to reduce it would be a good, good thing. 

Yes, I am fucking dangerous.  I can hurt and I can kill, if need be.  And the more I feel this in my body, in my bones, the more I will walk with confidence, with steel in my spine.  At long fucking last. 

Edited to add: I just signed up for IMPACT Boston's self defense class in July.  YES!!